From the Depths of Woe

So it has been a while since I have shared anything on my blog. I have been incredibly busy planning and carrying out the details of our in-vitro fertilization cycle. This has been the hardest thing we have been through as a couple. It has been so hard to watch friends and family have babies after babies and still try to have hope every month that "maybe this is it" and then be crushed all over again.

It was funny for me to realize that an in-vitro cycle starts with birth control pills! I mean why would you take birth control if you WANT a baby?? But then I understood the science and medicine behind it. after birth control for two weeks the doctors started me on  a medicine called Lupron. which suppresses egg growth and ovulation. This is another injection that I would give to myself daily. At first it wasn't that bad. I give shots like a hundred times a day and these didn't hurt.  YET! After about 10 days on the Lupron they started me on the "stimulating" injectible medications. So every morning I had to mix 2 meds in one syringe (which dulls the needle slightly but has made a HUGE difference in giving myself that shot.....oww) and at  night I have to give myself the other shot. The shots are easiest to give myself in the stomach so that is where they went for over two weeks. Then this last weekend after crying when giving myself my morning shot I told Stephen he would have to help me. They had to go in my arms some cause my stomach was WAY too sore from all the needles poking it. Well he is a bit squeamish around needles and up till that point would either turn around or go in another room when it was time for the shots. But seeing me cry made him realize he would have to help.

Hard thing is I'm a nurse. I give shots ALL the time! Plus I'm a bit of a "control freak". So eventually I decided his job would be to pinch up the skin on my arms for the shots to go in and that I would give them to myself....even if I used my non dominant hand! I did let him press the plunger of the syringe once though... I told my Mom I think it would be different if I wasn't a nurse and my IVF nurse taught us how to give a shot together instead of my learning it years ago and being licensed, etc. But oh well! I've come to the conclusion that for me, right now, in-vitro is a bit like torture. I give myself shots every day, twice a day right now. These shots make my ovaries grow enormous in size and let me tell you it is quite painful. They also mess with my hormones so I'm cranky one minute, sad then next, and then happy. (Maybe Stephen won't be as shocked by pregnancy hormones as most guys!) Then I go to the doctor where they draw blood (MORE NEEDLES!) and do ultra sounds of my ovaries which aren't too much fun. Today was even more like torture as the ultra sound was so painful it drew tears from me. But I just kept saying its ok if this is what it takes. Already these children that don't yet exist are the most important things in my life. I would do anything for them, and already am. These children are going to grow up soo very loved and never ever doubt that they were wanted.

The other day Stephen and I were talking randomly about hymns we love. I couldn't remember the name of my favorite. So I naturally went to google and searched through they trinity hymnal online until I found The depths of Woe by Martin Luther. I have loved this song for years but it was never as meaningful to me as it is now. I have been in the depths of woe. But I kept looking to God and praying for his perfect timing and his perfect plan for our lives. I pray now that this works and we end up with a wonderful healthy baby (or TWINS!!) but I also pray that if this is not his plan that he will help us through it and that I will remember he does have a plan! (although if it is that case it will be very very hard for me) So if you are a praying person PLEASE! send up a prayer or two or more for us as we go through this hard time. I may be having surgery to remove the eggs this weekend and I have to admit I'm a little frightened having never had surgery or even an IV before. But in the end if we end up with a baby or two it will all be worth it. Thank you!

From depths of woe I raise to thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication:
If thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,
O who shall stand before thee?

To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth:
No man can glory in thy sight,
All must alike confess thy might,
And live alone by mercy.

Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On him my soul shall rest, his Word
Upholds my fainting spirit:
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort and my sweet support;
I wait for it with patience.