Well our first IVF cycle is officially over. And officially labeled a "failure". So no baby Johnson's on the way right now. We are quite devastated. I really thought this would work for us. We had so many people praying but I guess God said it isn't meant to be right now. This is hard to take. Every time I get my hopes up they are crushed. Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong. Am I being punished? Why can't we have something that many get without trying or that people get and then abort? Is my random thought from when I was a part time nanny to a wonderful baby 3 years ago that I could love her or a baby like her as if she was my own a premonition? Are we going to have to give up on the dream of having biological children? Am I never going to experience pregnancy like I have dreamed of since I was 5 and my Mom was pregnant with my little brother? WHY GOD??? WHY US??!!! I know He has a plan, but I wish He would let me in on it!
The cycle seemed to go pretty well until the day of surgery to remove my eggs. We drove to Charleston that morning excited and nervous. They got me changed and an IV started and then I was asleep. A while later they woke me up and "drunk walked" me into another room. Once there they let Stephen in to see me and I remember telling him "the pain isn't that bad, just like bad period cramps." I was glad because I was worried it would hurt a lot, after all they had been poking around with needles inside of me. The Dr came in and told us they got 12 eggs and he was happy with that number. We were happy too. After resting a while they sent us on our way home. On the way home the anesthetic wore off and I was in pretty significant pain. We made it home and I took pain meds and some anti-nausea meds and tried to sleep. Well they didn't help too much, I did start vomiting that night, but I figured it was because of the anesthetic and just tried to sleep. Sleeping didn't go too well. I told my boss there was no way I could come in the next morning like I had planned, I had never felt so sick and been in so much pain before. The next morning Stephen left me sleeping and went to work. I woke up and tried to eat some food so I could take more pain medicine and rest. Not thinking he had left the dogs free in the house with me and they ALL (we have 3) wanted to be on the bed with me. They were being sweet but when you are in pain and nauseous 3 dogs in your bed is no fun. Stephen came home at lunch to put them up and check on me. I felt awful but didn't want him to stay home with me and miss more work so he headed back. Well as soon as he left I started vomiting, A LOT! and I was in even worse pain. I tried to call my Mom first to come take care of me but when I couldn't get a hold of her I called Stephen and told him to call the doctor because this was not normal and I needed him to come home to at least clean up the mess I made.
He came home and like a champ cleaned up and called the doctor. Of course the doctor wanted to talk to me especially as he put it "because I know you are a nurse and may have more insight". Well after talking for a few minutes and with the questions he asked me I had my suspicions confirmed: he thought I was bleeding internally from a "nick" with the needle during egg retrieval surgery. So we went to our doctor in town who ended up admitting me to the hospital for the night after I almost threw up on his shoes! So I went from having never had an IV to Two in about 24 hours! But the 2nd IV was the best thing in the world, it meant I could have IV zofran to help me not throw up anymore! plus it helped replace the fluids I lost. I spent the night and was let go the next afternoon once my blood work came back "better". The morning after coming home we went back to Charleston for the embryo transfer. They were worried I couldn't do the transfer since I had such problems but after an ultrasound (where we saw the internal bleeding, which by then had stopped on its own) they decided I was ok enough to proceed. They put two of our 6 embryos that developed back into me and away we went home. I was on bed rest for the next few days.
The next week I was back to work and feeling better, but still really tired from the whole ordeal. We then found out the rest of the embryos quit developing so we had none to freeze for later use, so if this didn't work (which of course it didn't UGH!) we would have to go through this WHOLE thing again if we wanted a baby. So I was very upset, but hopeful at that time. Sadly this Monday we found out it didn't work. We are very very sad and don't know what the future holds. We are meeting with the doctor in a few weeks to discuss what went "wrong" and what went "right" with this IVF and what we could do for the future if we "want to continue treatment". Oh if only it was that simple. If only IVF didn't cost upwards of $10,000 for once cycle WITH our insurance! If only I was super wealthy and didn't have to work, then sure! sign me up right now! But instead we just don't know where to go from here. I'm not ready to give up having biological children, not yet. I just don't know what to do other than pray and cry. I thought I would cry tears of joy this August, I really really thought this would work, we had everything in our favor. "you are about 10 years younger than most of our patients!" we kept hearing. So time may be on our side, but we want to be parents NOW! As a Christian woman being a mother has always been my biggest goal in life and now I don't know if it will ever happen. I just continue to pray that I can accept this (like I have a choice!) and remember that no matter what God has a bigger plan that I can't see. (but OH how I wish He would give me a glance!!)
